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I have a great life, but sometimes I feel guilty about it.
I wonder what I did do deserve this.
Why me, a terrible person, gets to live a good life
while there are people out there who are infinitely better than me who get screwed over again and again.
I don't deserve happiness... and for that reason I haven't been happy in a long time.
I've just grown used to convincing everyone around me that I'm fine,
that I'm great, that everything is prefect, but none of it is true.
I want to feel empathy for people who have been screwed over but I can't because I haven't been in those situations.
Most people would be glad to be in my position but all it does is make me feel guilty.
It's a weight on me that never leaves.
I don't know what I want.
I drive people away because I hate myself and I take out that anger on others.
My insecurities always best me.
And the worse part is, I'm too afraid of being judged to seek help.
Why, I don't know.
Just know that if I snap at you for anything, it's not that I'm mad at you...
it's just that I'm mad at myself and don't know how to express it...
The last thing I want is sympathy
I don't want someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright
That everything will turn out fine in the end
I'm tired of hearing that "I'll always be here for you" crap
I'm tired of feeling so guilty
When I've done nothing to be guilty about
When I am the innocent one
My whole world is collapsing around me.
And I'm the only one to blame for it.
But I take all of my anger out on others.
It's nobody's fault but my own.
But other people are suffering due to my own insecurities.
I don't want to tell people about this because it will make them worry for me
They'll treat me differently. They'll feel sorry for me.
That's not what I want. That's not what I've ever wanted.
I just want to know why I feel so miserable when I have a great life
I have good friends, a good family
What is causing this to happen to me?
Why do I care so much about what people think?
Why do I feel like seeking help will only worsen things?
I've been told time and time again that seeking help is for the best.
But my anxiety prevents me from getting it.
I'm afraid of everyone around me.
I'm way too self-conscious.
All I want to know is what the hell is wrong with me...
And it's beginning to wear down on me.
I'm losing sight of things day by day.
It seems like all I can seem to do anymore is wallow in my own self pity
And then put on a brave face whenever someone else shows up so that they're convinced
That everything in my life is just perfect.
But once again, it's all a lie.
tl;dr: I take my own self-hatred out on others and I'm too afraid to deal with it, and it's starting to mess with my head.
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